First.

2.7.22

7:27 am 

Joy comes in the morning time. First blog for Dear Self Co. 

Last night was the hardest night of my life. Harder than when my Best friend died. Or my grandmother. Harder than not getting into my dream college. Harder than COVID hitting my boyfriend. The hardest. Why? I was faced with the strongest urges of depression and suicide I have ever felt. Any doubts I had about the reality of depression faded last night. Last night felt like something was invading my mind like a virus. Like something was trying to take control over my mind and it almost did. The urges I had to end my life kept increasing with every moment. When I say it took everything in me not submit to it… and I didn’t even want to die. It came out of nowhere and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Some might say it’s genetics, others might say it’s a hormonal imbalance, but I know what it truly was. It was the deepest most desperate attack of the enemy. He knows how "shakingly" powerful I will be once God refines my character and I step in to my true potential. 

He’s losing his grip on me and my mind and is desperately trying to get me to give in. The closer I get to God, the more intense these attacks get. When I was lukewarm and far from God I couldn’t be less provoked with thoughts and feelings like these. The enemy KNOWS when he is fighting a losing battle. And that, last night, was a Hail Mary. But as I write this in tears. God, again in His true glorious, truthful, and miraculous fashion remained victorious. 

I’ve read in the Bible that God DOES NOT allow you to be tempted more than you can bare. Though, in the midst of that tornado that I was drowning and suffocating in... that was hard to remember. Luckily, God sent me His handcrafted edification of my soul mate. In the most trying time of my life Sydney (my boyfriend) was there quoting scriptures that was digging a bridge into the hole I was in for me to crawl out of. This is why it is so important to surround yourself and pray for God sent relationships ONLY. You need these people led by the spirit fighting on your behalf when you are too weak to do it yourself.

The enemy tries to deceive. And the first thing he does is getting you to believe that you can’t handle this and that these thoughts are your own and are too strong to stop. He’s wrong. That 1% of yourself that is fighting is just enough to keep you going, although it’s painfully loud inside your head, and *almost* everything in you is telling you to give in. Don’t. Why? Because that 1% will eventually grow into 100%. 100% truth, 100% strength, 100% honesty, 100% purity, 100% God. The victorious father IS with you fighting for you and shielding you from the rest of the attack that you couldn’t bear. Know that this too shall pass and KNOW that you can fight through this. 

Please, no matter what, have an emergency plan. Whether that is your therapist, best friend, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, co worker, sibling, parent, grandparent, whoever. You need to have an emergency contact.

As much as possible under no circumstances do you leave yourself alone. Go to the emergency room, church, a siblings room, a pastor or friend’s house, wherever there will be the spirit of God and a loving shoulder to hold you until this is over. 

Get on your knees and don’t leave until the battle is over.

You. Will. Not. Fail. Because God cannot fail. In Jesus’ name YOU will overcome... and I am living proof. By the grace and mercy of God and Jesus Christ, I am alive today. And I hope one day to share our stories together over an intimate cup of coffee, a scone, and our undeniable gratitude to God. Amen. 

After a night of restless sleep, and drastically early morning devotion, know that: Joy comes in the morning time. 

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide help is available.