Perfectionist Plague

Guest Writer Author: Dr. Jasmine Dwyer M.D.

Five years ago, I didn’t want to exist anymore. I was completely overwhelmed, enveloped in the anxiety of failure, disappointing others, inadequacy and the unknown. I held a bottle of pills in my hand, rocking it back and forth deciding if I had any other option. It was the darkest time in my life. Years before that I restricted food, ran 8 miles a day, developed body dysmorphia and ended up injuring myself to keep up an image. I grew up in a seemingly perfect home with parents that provided for me and loved me the best way they could. So how did I end up here?

The image of being the “perfect girl”, the perfect student, the good kid who never did anything wrong, the unproblematic girl, the smart girl, the girl who had it all together; this was what I was always praised for, but none of it was true. Trying to keep up a façade of perfection became too much for me, because I’m not perfect. It led to an adult who is a chronic people pleaser, has social anxiety for the same reason, and does not know how to make her needs known to others. On the outside, it appears that I am “non-confrontational” and “easy-going”. Inside my thoughts are racing, I am tense and afraid of upsetting others or tarnishing my “perfect image”. TRUTH TIME. I don’t have it all together, not even close. I don’t know what I’m doing most times. I beat myself up a lot. I thrive on attention, and I hate that. I don’t attempt things for fear of failure. I battle negative intrusive thoughts daily.

I don’t blame anyone. I’m healing and through introspection, therapy, and reframing my thoughts I’m learning to love me, for all of me. I’m learning to shift my mindset, to see myself through God’s eyes, and to give myself grace. No one has it all together. No one knows what they’re doing all of the time. Once I stopped trying to run an impossible race, I was able to find me. I can focus on the wonderful parts of myself, and feed the parts that need a little extra love. It is still not easy, but every day it is worth it.

I’ve wanted to not exist anymore. I’ve been to that place. I’ve been mean to my body. I overthink everything. I feel inadequate. My mind runs at 1000 miles a minute. Sometimes I can’t turn off my thoughts. I’m learning to be nice to myself. I create a life that I love living. My value does not come from how others see me or even how I see myself. My value was created by, and has always been defined by my Creator. He sees me, all of me, even the parts that I don’t see. He has never counted me out. He fights for me; and that makes it worth fighting for myself too.